My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Next quotes

• Phyllis Diller:

  What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

• Phyllis Diller:

  Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

• Phyllis Diller:

  Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

• Phyllis Diller:

  The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

• Phyllis Diller:

  The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in publ

• Phyllis Diller:

  I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

• Phyllis Diller:

  My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, ra

• Phyllis Diller:

  The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

• Phyllis Diller:

  A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter h

• Phyllis Diller:

  You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.