My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

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• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever h

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, w

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

• Ron White:

  Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

• Ron White:

  You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.