The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Next quotes

• Henny Youngman:

  There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

• Henny Youngman:

  This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

• Henny Youngman:

  This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

• Henny Youngman:

  This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

• Henny Youngman:

  Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

• Henny Youngman:

  Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

• Henny Youngman:

  Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

• Henny Youngman:

  You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

• Henny Youngman:

  You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

• Henny Youngman:

  You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.