When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Next quotes

• Steven Wright:

  Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

• Steven Wright:

  I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

• Steven Wright:

  If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

• Steven Wright:

  Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

• Steven Wright:

  If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

• Steven Wright:

  I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

• Steven Wright:

  If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights,

• Steven Wright:

  I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the oth

• Steven Wright:

  I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

• Steven Wright:

  I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.