Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Next quotes

• Steven Wright:

  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• Steven Wright:

  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• Steven Wright:

  If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

• Steven Wright:

  I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the h

• Steven Wright:

  My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't sen

• Steven Wright:

  I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person.

• Steven Wright:

  I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral

• Steven Wright:

  I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm com

• Steven Wright:

  I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with

• Steven Wright:

  It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear