Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

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• Steven Wright:

  Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

• Steven Wright:

  Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

• Steven Wright:

  I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

• Steven Wright:

  Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

• Steven Wright:

  For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them

• Steven Wright:

  I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... pe

• Steven Wright:

  I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it ou

• Steven Wright:

  I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

• Steven Wright:

  I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

• Steven Wright:

  I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fa