I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

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• Henny Youngman:

  I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

• Henny Youngman:

  If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

• Henny Youngman:

  If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

• Henny Youngman:

  My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

• Henny Youngman:

  My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he salut

• Henny Youngman:

  My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first

• Henny Youngman:

  She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

• Henny Youngman:

  She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

• Henny Youngman:

  She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

• Henny Youngman:

  That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!