My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Next quotes

• Mitch Hedberg:

  I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

• Mitch Hedberg:

  The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall

• Mitch Hedberg:

  A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

• Mitch Hedberg:

  All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

• Mitch Hedberg:

  Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

• Mitch Hedberg:

  Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Ro

• Mitch Hedberg:

  Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

• Mitch Hedberg:

  Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

• Mitch Hedberg:

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• Mitch Hedberg:

  I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.