My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

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• Steven Wright:

  My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

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  The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

• Steven Wright:

  When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well

• Steven Wright:

  You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

• Steven Wright:

  I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

• Steven Wright:

  If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

• Steven Wright:

  I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

• Steven Wright:

  I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

• Steven Wright:

  I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

• Steven Wright:

  If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?