Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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• George Carlin:

  There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

• George Carlin:

  Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

• George Carlin:

  May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

• George Carlin:

  The status quo sucks.

• George Carlin:

  What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

• George Carlin:

  Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

• George Carlin:

  The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves,

• George Carlin:

  Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

• George Carlin:

  At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

• George Carlin:

  I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.