I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Next quotes

• W. C. Fields:

  Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

• W. C. Fields:

  Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

• W. C. Fields:

  When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

• W. C. Fields:

  The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

• W. C. Fields:

  Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

• W. C. Fields:

  Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still sur

• W. C. Fields:

  Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to liv

• W. C. Fields:

  Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the r

• W. C. Fields:

  I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

• W. C. Fields:

  I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.