I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Next quotes

• Steven Wright:

  I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

• Steven Wright:

  I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

• Steven Wright:

  I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fa

• Steven Wright:

  If God dropped acid, would he see people?

• Steven Wright:

  If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

• Steven Wright:

  It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

• Steven Wright:

  It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

• Steven Wright:

  Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died

• Steven Wright:

  My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

• Steven Wright:

  My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.