My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Next quotes

• Steven Wright:

  I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person.

• Steven Wright:

  I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral

• Steven Wright:

  I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm com

• Steven Wright:

  I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with

• Steven Wright:

  It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear

• Steven Wright:

  I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and

• Steven Wright:

  Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

• Steven Wright:

  Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end qu

• Steven Wright:

  I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

• Steven Wright:

  My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.