A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

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• Henny Youngman:

  Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

• Henny Youngman:

  When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

• Henny Youngman:

  When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

• Henny Youngman:

  My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

• Henny Youngman:

  The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

• Henny Youngman:

  If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

• Henny Youngman:

  I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

• Henny Youngman:

  If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

• Henny Youngman:

  Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a wee

• Henny Youngman:

  I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.