I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

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• Steven Wright:

  When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in the

• Steven Wright:

  I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I do

• Steven Wright:

  I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with

• Steven Wright:

  I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

• Steven Wright:

  When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

• Steven Wright:

  To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

• Steven Wright:

  You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The br

• Steven Wright:

  I'm addicted to placebos.

• Steven Wright:

  I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

• Steven Wright:

  Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for