My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Next quotes

• Steven Wright:

  How young can you die of old age?

• Steven Wright:

  It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

• Steven Wright:

  I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

• Steven Wright:

  I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

• Steven Wright:

  There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

• Steven Wright:

  I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

• Steven Wright:

  I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

• Steven Wright:

  If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

• Steven Wright:

  When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few

• Steven Wright:

  Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?