By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

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• George Carlin:

  One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

• George Carlin:

  If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

• George Carlin:

  Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

• George Carlin:

  When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

• George Carlin:

  You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

• George Carlin:

  You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

• George Carlin:

  The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

• George Carlin:

  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• George Carlin:

  Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

• George Carlin:

  When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front r