Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Next quotes

• Tommy Cooper:

  So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'

• Tommy Cooper:

  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

• Tommy Cooper:

  A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around

• Tommy Cooper:

  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you

• Tommy Cooper:

  You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the win

• Tommy Cooper:

  So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopp

• Tommy Cooper:

  Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

• Tommy Cooper:

  I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

• Tommy Cooper:

  I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

• Tommy Cooper:

  My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.