Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

Next quotes

• Gilbert Gottfried:

  The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure wh

• Norm Crosby:

  When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart

• James Acaster:

  People like abstract art because it makes them feel clever.

• Chris Farley:

  In the land of the skunks, he who has half a nose is king.

• Bert Kreischer:

  I need someone to be like, 'I can beat Bert in a marathon.' And then my Mickey Mantle genes will ki

• Tim Allen:

  While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get

• George Gobel:

  My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago.

• Al Yankovic:

  At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go

• Benny Hill:

  Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

• Tom Segura:

  I've never been a big party guy or super social.