My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

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• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming h

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

• Rodney Dangerfield:

  I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.